


world's a little blurry (the way home)

by Amber_Flicker



Category: Natsume Yuujinchou | Natsume's Book of Friends
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Canon Compliant, Child Neglect, Depression, Dissociation, Gen, Loneliness, Snippets, it's a fic about his childhood you guys know what to expect, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-29
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2020-03-20 17:11:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18996967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amber_Flicker/pseuds/Amber_Flicker
Summary: On wandering, and having somewhere to return to.





	world's a little blurry (the way home)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from ilomilo by Billie Eilish.

Sometimes Natsume wakes up and doesn't know where he is. He looks around and everything is unfamiliar and _wrong_ and he can't remember where he is, what town and what house and what family. It's worse than the days when he wakes up to youkai in his room, because that's always familiar. Waking to nothing but confusion leaves him laying there and wondering whether he's even real, if any of what he does remember actually happened or if it's all been lies. He spends those mornings dissociating even once he's remembered where he is that week, month, year, and wondering if this feeling is just another thing wrong with him.

***

They ask him why he doesn't unpack more of his things. He prefers it when he's with a family who ignores him, who doesn't ask questions like that, ones that he doesn't want to answer. After the first four moves he never bothers to unpack more than the things he regularly uses, can always just dig through his boxes if there's something specific he needs from them. There's no need to unpack. Not when he knows he will be leaving again soon enough, and it would be a lot more work to repack it all every time. He takes up less space that way, anyway. Natsume causes enough problems for people without taking up space that doesn't belong to him, when they're already extended enough kindness to let him stay there. He doesn't dare take more than that.

Maybe it gets to the point where he's even afraid to get too comfortable, afraid as soon as he unpacks then that will be the day he's told he's leaving. But Natsume has no one to admit that to, so he keeps it to himself.

 

***

He thinks, sometimes, that even if he was unable to make friends because of what he saw, he wouldn't be able to make them because of how much he moved. When you leave places so many times, it gets hard to want to try. He knows he'd just move again soon, so what would be the point? He'd just end up leaving behind whatever friends he made. He goes so long barely interacting with children his own age- or people in general, really- that he starts to forget how. Doesn't know what the unspoken rules for talking to his peers are, when it's okay to join a conversation and what others his age like to talk about. He keeps to himself.

It's easier that way- don't get attached, and you can't drive anyone away with your own strangeness before you're forced to leave anyway.

 

***

He can't help but wonder whether he would remember his dad better if he'd been able to continue living in his childhood home, if somehow that would make the memories stay. Like being anchored to one place would also anchor his only peaceful memories. He wonders what would've happened if his mother had lived, if that would somehow have also kept his father alive, or if it would've turned out the same, except that he still had a living family member, wouldn't have had to be passed around.

Natsume wonders if perhaps it would've been better if he'd never been born. His parents could have gone on to continue living happily and he wouldn't have caused his mother to die just by coming into existence. He wouldn't have caused problems for countless extended family. Maybe his ability to see youkai was a curse given to him for everything he would do, all the trouble and grief he would inadvertently end up causing.

He stops wondering after that. 

 

***

Natsume barely tries to remember what his address is at any present moment. He's just going to leave again, why memorize it? It's hard enough to remember where he is sometimes, how to get to school and back to the house. He starts writing down the address and keeping the note with him when he leaves. On a good day he can find his way back by landmarks, by the memory of how he's gotten back before. On the bad days he can't remember what his current home looks like, too muddled with all the places he's lived before. It almost makes him worry there's something wrong with his memory, but how can he remember such mundane things as this when he's trying too hard not to react to what he sees (and failing at even that)? Even if he brought it up with someone, they'd probably put it off as another lie, or another way he's a problem. So he doesn't.

***

He lays in bed and thinks he's finally achieved happiness. He's finally getting everything he's been denied during his childhood- he has friends, a family, a _home_ instead of just a _house._ He doesn't feel like his ability to see is a curse anymore.

...and it's almost worse, because now he has things, people he wants to protect. Trouble hasn't stopped following him, time hasn't stopped because he's happy. The opposite- he gets himself into even more danger now than he ever had before, and often does so willingly. It wouldn't be so bad if it as only himself at risk, but there had been so many close calls where people close to him had almost been hurt, simply because they knew him.

He lays in bed and thinks one day he's going to be left with no choice but to leave this all behind- that's what protecting them means. That is what he has chosen by choosing to care and involving himself in two different worlds. 

 

And still, he can't bring himself to regret any of it.

**Author's Note:**

> me, watching this show: wow, finally a character I can project my feelings and experiences regarding moving a dozen times as a child onto!!
> 
> ...90% of this is just me projecting. A lot of the events from the episodes where we see Natsume's childhood hit way too close to home for me, and these are like... very specific feelings that can only work with a character who has spent their whole life moving, so it was perfect.
> 
> find me on tumblr @ cliches-and-coffee and a-logicalruse, and on twitter @amber_flicker


End file.
